Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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