i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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