I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
