there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
