I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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