I hate your face
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
