How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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