wakey wakey hands off snakey
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
