I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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