Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
