I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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