This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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