Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
