Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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