Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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