turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
