Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
