btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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