dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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