I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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