I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
