I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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