I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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