yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
two words: eviction party
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
