I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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