I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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