It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I want her autograph on my taint
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You made out with two different species that night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
