i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she pinky promised me she was 18
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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