2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
