Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
