her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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