Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
