I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
