Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i dont even know how to be here
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
