The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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