Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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