If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
