my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i came on her dog
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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