i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
