These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
