Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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