Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
