His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
sex in a hospital.. check
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
