dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
