You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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