I accidentally burped into my bong.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
