I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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