I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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