I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i think my cat just said my name.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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