Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
