seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
