If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
