It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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